Because I. Can't. Talk. To. People.
At least not without feeling like I've made a complete idiot of myself, getting flustered, and really embarrassed.
This is something that's been weighing somewhat heavily on my mind the last three days, and I don't know what to do about it. I have several ideas, such as
-Attempting to speak with more confidence (The whole "I Whistle a Happy Tune Theory. Yes, I just turned a song from a musical into a made up scientific theory. You're welcome.)
-Working more on not stressing about what other people are thinking while I'm speaking to them
-Doing something incredibly scary, and speaking without thinking.
This last one is by far the hardest and most terrifying. Even thinking about it makes my brain start screaming:
"NOOOOO FELICIA YOU MUST THINK ABOUT YOUR WORDS BEFORE YOU SPEAK WHAT IF YOU SCREW EVERYTHING UP"
This may sound like no big deal, but I actually rehearse conversations with the cashier at the grocery store in my head.
Conclusion: Felicia hates talking to people and finds it terrifying.
Unfortunately, the diagnosis is not locking myself away in a room with my cats for the rest of my life. I guess that's something I have to work on, then.
And upon further reflection, all this really ties in with other areas in my life.
- I'm a writer. Writing isn't a "live" circumstance; my words are carefully thought out and planned.
- I love acting, singing, Broadway dance, etc. And when acting on a stage, those aren't my own words. They're someone else's; a character's, and the way I'm going to deliver them is carefully rehearsed down to the last word.
- I'm a dancer. When dancing (so like, 80% of my waking hours ;) my body is doing the communicating. It's also something that is practiced and rehearsed until it becomes a part of my soul.
Do any of you find human communication difficult? Or do you have other fears that you don't know how to face?
Let's have a discussion in the comments. :) I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts!
-Felicia Kathryn xxx